I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately actually. We’ve all been through breakups. I’ve had quite a few in my life. I have been married and divorced. I’ve been in quite a few long term relationships as well that all ended in….breakups. Some have been more painful than others and some have just been necessary. But what I have noticed, since entering the kink world is….breakups with my Dom’s hurt the most (so far).

So I started to really think about why that is. Is it because I’ve loved them more than any other partner before? Is it because we shared this naughty little secret together? Its it because there are a number of “firsts” that happen while exploring? Is it because my relationship with them was deeper, more meaningful? Is there really a reason at all? Is it simply because it is what is significant and happening in my life right now that I feel so strongly about it?

I kept coming back to the fact that my Dom/sub relationships have always felt more authentic, open, honest and quite frankly and codependent on my part. If that IS the case, then it’s completely understandable that a breakup would be gut-wrenchingly awful to me, right? Here is a relationship where I can be completely and authentically myself sexually and mentally with another human being, something I haven’t quite experienced in the past (mainly because I couldn’t be honest about what I wanted).

As someone who has a lot of trauma when it comes to my sexual history (that is another post for another time), I place a significant amount of importance on my sex life, almost guarding it and protecting it so as to avoid that kind of trauma ever again. I think that it is what drew me to D/s in the first place. Knowing that I can completely trust my partner with that very sensitive part of my life, knowing that they handle me with respect, care and consent with all things related to sex. Push boundaries and explore very personal sensations such as pain in a controlled environment that feels safe and secure. But I digress….

I very much become co-dependent on my Dom for lots of things. I give over my control to him on a daily basis inside the bedroom and depending on the dynamic, also outside of the bedroom as well. He becomes my safe place when I would otherwise solely depend on myself. He becomes someone I turn to for advice, love and care. My anxiety is less, my heart is full and my ass is covered in fresh bruises (swoon!). He is my human and I am his.

After a breakup, I have to remember how to take care of those needs myself again and that shit is rough…. Honestly, I can’t whip my own ass either, well, I suppose I could try but its definitely not the same. 😉

Introducing someone new feels like an arduously impossible task. Starting from scratch, discovering if we are compatible, building that trust back up again so I can fully and willingly submit….these things take a lot of time and many folks I meet seem to want to sprint straight to the finish line without putting in any of the work.

Outside of my D/s inside my vanilla life….I’m self employed, I’m a go-getter and have the confidence to do a lot of things on my own. I’m extremely independent, sometimes even to a fault with it comes to relationships. I’m also an introvert who values a lot of alone time. I come from a very strong line of women who get shit done and take names. They haven’t really depended on men or partners to raise their children or even make them feel good about themselves. All of this has contributed even stronger to the idea that submission, for me, is more of a choice rather than how I was raised or if its just the natural order of things.

I submit because I have the choice to do so, not because I need to do so. There is an important distinction there. I haven’t always felt it was a choice. When I was married, I submitted to my partner because I was afraid of him, believed I was less than him and maybe even felt that it was the natural order of things. I didn’t feel that I had a choice back then.

I also become co-dependent on my Dom by choice, not by circumstance or character predisposition. It’s my choice to relinquish control over certain aspects of my life and I do not take the decision lightly. Choosing the wrong Dom can lead to catastrophe physically, emotionally and even spiritually.

So once that relationship has ended either by my choice or theirs, there is a lot of self work and healing that has to take place from day 1. I’m still in the mist of healing from my last breakup where D/s was a major component of our relationship and so this all comes from a place where I’m still healing. I may feel differently in a few weeks, months or even years. But for now, this is how I feel.

Feel free to weigh in on how you feel. Maybe you’re going through a breakup and want to share or you’re like damn girl, you are waaaaaaayyyy off here. In either case, sound off and share in the comments. I read them and hey, I may even respond to them.