Something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently is whether or not it’s a good idea to talk about my kink life to vanilla people. I don’t just mean to your partners or closest friends. I’m talking about mentioning these things to acquaintances or even strangers who may ask questions.

Of course, there are plenty of situations where absolute secrecy is paramount, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about your average every day joe/jill. I don’t know if you can be considered average with a dirty little secret like this but you know what I mean.

Here’s an example….I wear collars quite frequently. Some of them are my own, some have belonged to my partners. I often get asked about them. Sometimes I tell the truth about what they represent, other times I just say that I love the way chokers look and own a lot of them. It’s usually on a case by case basis depending on how well I know the person. A stranger is gonna get the vanilla version. Someone I know more personally may get the kink version.

I’ve had partners in the past who are loud and proud about their kink or alt lifestyles and I’ve had others who keep their secrets locked tighter than a nun’s asshole.

I’ve been trying to figure out my own comfort level when it comes to these things. Sure I have a blog that shares some of my favorite kinky stories and erotica, BUT such things are written for those in the community or into erotica. I do not share them on my personal pages and only tell some of my closets friends that this blog even exists.

To be clear, It’s NOT because I’m ashamed or anything. It’s mostly because this isn’t for THEM. This blog is for those interested in kink, have googled their way into finding my site or are currently in the lifestyle already. I ALWAYS recommend it to those who show an interest or those nearest and dearest to my heart.

The truth is when it comes to my experience with kink, it’s often misunderstood or potentially an opportunity for someone to objectify me as a person. I become my kink in their mind and it’s very hard to be anything else for some people.

Here’s an example. It happens to me quite frequently when labeling myself kinky on a dating website over when I don’t. If it’s in the profile, it’s the first thing anyone wants to talk about. If I don’t, I get to have conversations about other things like what video games I like or my short haircut.

If I don’t list myself as kinky, I run the risk of surprising an unexpected date with something they are not ready to hear or will NEVER be into themselves. It’s a conundrum I often battle with and have tried both sides – the listing and the not listing of the kinky label.

Another example is having a partner who likes to overshare your kink life with people who are not also in the community. I’ve had a few partners who have gotten very excited about dating an openly polyamorous kinky girl and can’t help but share this new info with others – friends, family, maybe ever absolute strangers. While I’m happy about their openness, it can also be troublesome.

This kind of behavior leads to lots of questions about the lifestyle and false fascination from people who might like to live vicariously through you momentarily. This fascination usually fades and you’ll go back to being another distant memory of a time they talked to this really freaky person once that you would NEVER dream of living their very complicated weird lifestyle.

For some this sudden rush of interest in their life is awesome. It can make them feel important or interesting. It also feeds their need to share this new little secret they are just bursting to tell people. For me, that “under the microscope” feeling has been tainted more times than has felt good.

Again, I don’t want to be defined and even objectified because I like to be choked and smacked in the bedroom by a dominant man. I’m rather dominant in my every day life so for someone to think that my submissive bedroom demeanor flows into other aspects of my life fights against what I, and women like me, trying to be seen as equals.

I am submissive but I’m not YOUR submissive.

So many times I have to explain this to people who find out I’m submissive and suddenly think it’s their job, no, right, to be my Dom. As though I have no choice in the matter. Fuck off!

The fact of the matter is, being kinky is just one aspect of what makes me, well, ME. It doesn’t define me and it shouldn’t be the only thing that makes me interesting to other people. I am not ashamed of my kink lifestyle but I don’t feel that it needs to be advertised to just anyone either. After all, isn’t that why we have our fetlife and scene names? For some it’s a hiding place, for others its an opportunity to fully live their kinky fantasies without fear of judgement from the outside world. It’s safe.

I used to think that being out and proud about being polyamorous and kinky was necessary in order to feel….Justified? Complete? Whole? To Make it Real? To normalize it? I don’t even know anymore.

More and more I feel that I don’t need to shove my own labels in people’s faces to feel like me. Some people are likely better off not knowing what I do behind closed doors. They aren’t ready to hear it or can’t handle it.

The other side of me says, “YELL IT FROM THE GODDAMN ROOFTOP YOU BOSS AS BITCH YOU!!!” It’s a struggle and I’m not here to even really answer this question I posed just yet.

What I do know is…

I’m not here to educate or be someone’s ambassador into this lifestyle either. Boy have I tried my darnedest to “turn people out” in the past. What a train wreck that can be. I end up being alone and judged at the end of the day which tears me the fuck apart.

I don’t want my kink defining me, but damn does it make me happy when I find someone to share it with. Isn’t that the goal anyway?

I am submissive but I’m not YOUR submissive. This bares repeating because yes, I am submissive, but you being dominant does not, in any way, make me yours just by labeling yourself as such. Fuuuuuuck is it annoying when someone tries being dominant with me as if I’m just going to submit to their will by default.

At the end of the day…

I am just a kinky submissive girl in a mostly vanilla world looking for like-minded partners who more closely align with my mindset and attitude toward not just the kinky lifestyle but so much more.